Wish I Could Have Met My Grandfather

I wish I could have met my grandfather on my mom’s side. I understand why that didn’t happen. But I wish it could have been different.

When my mom, Joy, was five and her younger brother, Hal, was three, their parents (Eunice and Edgar Washburn) divorced. My mom’s dad moved from Miami to West Palm Beach, eventually married again, and had another son. Later, that marriage ended and another took its place, including the birth of one more son.

Although what happened was a divorce between two adults, my mom was too young to understand. Like many children of divorce, she grew up feeling abandoned by her father. It was one of the deepest wounds my mom carried her whole life. 

A few years later, her closest friend moved away because her father was an itinerant preacher. My mom felt abandoned again. She didn’t allow herself to get close to anyone after that.

Because of her pain, my mom wanted nothing to do with her father. She was required to visit him during the summer when she was a kid. But when she was old enough to say no, that stopped. She didn’t talk about him at all after that.

I was led to believe he had already passed away by the time I came along. In reality, he was still alive and passed away two years after my grandmother did. I got to know her very well. I could have met him too. I understand why my mom never made that happen. But I wish I could have gotten to know him. He was my grandfather, and I would like to have known what he was like. I wish I could have met him in person.

Had I known he was still alive, I might have asked questions about him. I was a very curious child. I asked so many questions about everything, my mom one day brought home a book called, The Answer Book. So I probably would have asked questions had I known he was alive. One question might have been, “Can I meet him?”

While she probably wouldn’t have liked it, she might have allowed it to happen. But in the end, I didn’t know my grandfather was still living. By the time I was aware of who he was, he had already passed.

My Uncle Hal was into genealogy. I was bit by that bug too. When I was in high school, Hal visited us and brought my mom some old photos of their dad, taken during their summer visits when they were kids. I was thrilled to see the pictures. It was the first time I saw what my grandfather looked like.

He was incredibly handsome, so I could understand why it was easy for my grandmother to fall for him. He was talented too. He and my grandmother played in a music band at one time. He also took a job doing Morse code for the railroad.

Those photos were a treasure to me, but my mom didn’t want them. She asked her brother to take them back. I wasn’t given the option to keep them. She didn’t want them in the house.

I wish I had made a case for keeping them in my room, but it was hard for me to go against my mom’s wishes. I let my uncle take them away. I wish I had just one photo today, but at least I got to see them. That was a gift.

When I was in college, we visited Uncle Hal. He was living in Long Island, New York as a retired Pan Am pilot. He spent a lot of time on genealogy and told my mom he had tracked down their dad’s two other sons. Both sons lived in New York, and he had met them already.

My mom told him she didn’t want to meet them or hear anything about them. Somehow he convinced her to meet the one that lived close by. So, we got to meet that brother and his wife on that visit. That was very cool for me, and not so cool for my mom at first.

I noticed how she handled it. She steered the conversation away from their father or any familial ties. She just tried to get to know them as she would any other newcomer. As a church secretary, she was skilled in that area. She agreed with me that they were very nice people, and she was glad she met them. She never referred to them as family, just nice folks.

A couple years later, I got married in Long Island. My Uncle Hal hosted the wedding at his church and invited a lot of his friends. The brother we had met and his wife were included. They were the only ones to stay afterward and help my mom clean up and organize things. She told me she really appreciated that about them. My mom was the same kind of person who would stay after an event to help the hostess, so I could see a familial trait shared by the two of them.

Eventually, Uncle Hal moved to Pennsylvania, and we lost touch with the other brother. Nowadays, it’s hard to realize that keeping in touch with folks wasn’t that easy before the advent of Internet. But I’m glad I had the privilege to be around them for those couple of years.

I don’t know the circumstances of why my mom’s parents divorced. I don’t judge them, as that’s not my place to judge, and I’m divorced as well. I do understand why my mom felt betrayed, but that doesn’t mean anyone intended to hurt her.

What I can see is that my grandfather had at least three kids who were very kind and wanted to help others. So, that was at least one of the blessings in his generational line. Another generational blessing was creative talent. And another commonality between all three of those siblings was a good sense of humor. I see how each of those blessings has helped in my life. In those ways, I feel connected to my grandfather, even though I know nothing else about him, and we never met.

I also see that at some point, he loved my grandmother. She was quirky and creative, and she was very authentic. The fact that he was attracted to her tells me he appreciated those qualities.

I also know he didn’t abandon his kids; he got a divorce and moved out. I can see how that divorce felt to my mom as a little girl. But her dad still wanted to see her and her brother when custody would allow. I’ve worked with kids who have been truly abandoned. That’s not what happened in my grandparents’ situation. The children weren’t abandoned. It was the marriage that didn’t work out.

Even though I never got to meet my grandfather, these are all clues to tell me a little about him and our family line. I appreciate any clues I’m given. I still continue to search for more discoveries in my genealogy activities.

It’s because of my desire to know more about my grandfather and other ancestors that I developed this blog, “Exploring Generations.” I’m hoping to leave some clues behind for future generations as well. The Internet makes it a lot easier to leave this information. Someone like me will come along some day and want to know more. That’s why I’m writing this blog, hoping one day a future relative will find the kinds of stories I wish I had found.